It's never just about pain in the body. The body just gives a clear message about something is happening on different levels. My left knee is suddenly extremely painful. I had an injury in 2018 walking 800 km The Camino de Santiago. It was painful then but nothing like now. It's been manageable for years. I broke up with my King almost 2 years ago. The man I walked with for 4 weeks straight. The man I was so close to for 8 years. We broke up after I met Him and He took such a big part of me and totally distracted me from the break up. Now, 7 months after He left, I'm slowly sinking into the experience of being loved by a man with capacity and willingness to stay connected, no matter what. My bladder infection finally eased and then I'm thrown into the pain.
And it's the pain about the break up two years ago rising to the surface. The pain I'm my knee brings back so much from our years together. I see so much clearly now. How big issues he actually had. One of the biggest blessing of being destroyed by Him, is how clear the unhealthy patterns became. I see myself, my behaviour and people close to me. It's no one to blame really, not even myself. It's just so eye opening and break me wide open to the wounds and pain that we have co created together.
So yes, it's never stops. My body and heart are aching. And The Wolf, the new love, he insist to stay close, to check in on me, missing me and he loves to be with me.
He cares deeply about my health and wellbeing. So it's all collides in me. The grief. The pain. All the wrongdoings, all the hurt, the unconscious darkness, the craziness. The loss of masculine support. The extreme vulnerability to be left wide open. My left side, my heart, my knee reminds me how heavy my burden has been. The weight of the world. The super mum, the exhaustion of being a mother without any strong masculine leadership. And the sudden change to be powerful and content on my own and to see and feel the healthy masculine everywhere.
So yet again my body calls me to listen deeper, walking slower, to feel everything. To being a mess, to need help and support, to be confronted with my fear of pain and not be able to move. Deep layers of old fear. This new love of mine isn't shying away. He wants me, flaw and all. I'm not on a high. The pain keeps me deeply grounded.
This journey of relating to men. What a wild ride. My heart still cry for Him and now 8 years with another man needs to be properly mourned. The Transylvanian Wolf is a brave man. He has chosen me even when I hesitate on some levels. I still need so much time and space. My heart and body torn and tender in this wild ride of loving deeply. His warm body, strong, lean. His intuitive moves when he fucks me hard or making sweet love. All of me is welcome. He doesn't shy back of my bigness or darkness. He love playing with my demons. His inner Dracula is coming out. I'm marked. Bruised. I feel him for days and weeks.
Sweet sweet life. The pain. The grief. The love. The beautiful cock that keeps me open, soft, dripping. How the healthy masculine always provide. I need hands on. I need a healthy, strong and capable man. So life gives me what I need. So even when it hurts, I kneel down and take his delicious cock down my throat. Slurping, gagging, tears down my face. Thank you God for always taking care of me. Thank you. I love you.
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