It ain't free

It ain't free. This life. It takes effort and conscious choices. I get confused often. I water myself down. Pretending it doesn't matter that much. I'm fine. Just wait. Just breathe. I have been shamed and being the one without zero sex drive and I was so devastated. In hindsight I'm amazed that no one ( ink myself) didn't investigate more. It was just taken for granted. No effort. No questions on why and compassion. Lack of sex drive isn't natural. It's the canary in the mine in my experience. Something is off. The very force of life has stagnant. The river dried up. And we are not curious? Everything in life takes effort. Without the erotic and sexual flow it's going back to living a life without electricity. It's possible but so much harder and the exhaustion is real .

I now find myself at the other side. With so much erotic energy no matter how tired I am or exhausted by life, I connect back to my body. Orgasms yes but also dancing, touching and massaging my body. Regulating my nervous system and activating my feel good hormones. I'm slowly also easing into my fitness routine again after months of fatigue because of my iron deficiency. So believe me I know and understand the spectrum of desire and lack. I know life is much. But in it all I can only return to base. Back to myself. This life takes effort. Either or. No matter what life isn't easy. But to take more conscious choices about fitness, diet, pleasure and to support the body as best as possible makes life less difficult.

When I'm confused or feel let down by others or feel straight out hostility I know I can just let it be. People are struggling. Massively. It's rarely about me. I can return back home. Keeping my home sacred and being deeply compassionate towards myself. To fill my cup. To find peace with myself and my choices. And to see and feel others with compassion.

This life ain't free. It takes courage and conscious choices and actions. Tons of compassion and patience. Cause and effect are real. Effort and choices are real. Illness is real. And sometimes we have to be real about how we chose is making our life harder than necessary. And yes trauma is real. It isn't easy to choose health and vitality when the body is off. It isn't just about willpower. It's complex. I know. I know so very well.

So I feel deeply grateful and humble to yet again stepping into a more conscious life and daily habits again. I started with writing again every morning before getting online. Giving myself the space to be with myself without judgement or input from others. Then I started to read just a bit, every day. In an actual book. A few more minutes away from social media. Now my iron deficiency has eased up and I can have longer workouts again and it feels good. Yet again more time away from the virtual world.

I truly have to find back to my centre. I feel extremely vulnerable in people critizing me. I know they are hurting and isn't about me. But it's saying something about how fragile I actually feel. I'm still falling in and out from my depression. I'm still just working part time. I may be seen as strong and capable but it's yet again about how I choose to show up in my own life and doing my best with what is.

Deep breath. I'm opening up for more quality time with people. More playfulness and pleasure. I want way more sex and orgasms. I want way more belly laughters and dancing. Food and good company. I'm softing into holding myself and still keeping my being open towards the world.

Deep exhale. Thank you I love you.