Writing is so much about peeling away layers and it's sometimes so deeply confronting. Writing is more than sexy and erotic stuff. I love writing it, but the true gems usually pops up when I at least expect it. These days I feel a sudden ( yet long time coming) anger towards doing everything "right " and still have to wait for something to give. I know it's my restless nature and I have yearned for this slow and easier life I live now. AND I want so much more and I feel angry and frustrated. It's hard to admit it and let others know about it. I'm back full time at work soon and I love so much about it, and I don't want to work in the particular place I'm given. I have massive resistance and I do say it out loud. With respect for my boss and coworkers . I hate working with meat and fish ( I'm a vegetarian) and I'm scared for my own capacity and ability to actually work full time again. Especially when I constantly feel that I'm over stretching my skills and motivation. Maybe it's time to do something else and it probably is. AND I don't see or feel anything that I actually want to go for. To take the leap and do completely new things. So I guess I feel stuck. In between wanting more and still not back in full capacity to enjoy and embrace the new stuff. I'm quite sure I'm not lazy. But maybe I want more comfort and less stress. Life has finally slowed down enough to actually be good for my body and mind. My nervous system is finally healing.
And yes, I'm still kind of using so much energy on my oldest. It's seems like and never ending story. He still needs so much time and effort from me and his dad. At 18, he isn't anywhere near managing life on his own.
In all of it, I feel sad. What kind of man want to be part of my messy life? Because everything is harder without good sex, loving touch and to have a good man in my corner. I'm so good even great to fill up my own cup. Doing AND being everything I need to be to create a good life for myself and my kids. AND I feel sad and yes slightly angry. Something has to give. I need more. I don't want to be forced to be hyper independent and doing life on my own. I don't want to turn hard and self-sufficient. I can do fucking everything and I'm doing it every day. I don't want to lose faith in the good men or in the energy of the healthy masculine. I don't want to be an entitled brat or a dry and stuck up bitch. I want to be an asset. To be valuable and cherished.
I don't believe in hoping and wishing and still I feel hopeless. I know where my depression is coming from. It's right here. I don't feel appreciated, I don't feel seen or taken care of. I do all that for myself. Because I need all of it and I don't find it anywhere around me. Because people are ill. Have messy lifes. Enough in surviving. I see them and I'm doing my best to support and to be there. But something has to give. I can't and I don't want to be the source for everyone else and not have people that helps me and support me in the same way.
I don't want to be cynical and bitter. I want more laughter and connection. More hugs and I love you's. I want to bee seen as a I am and appreciated for showing up as honest and real as possible. I'm tired of being so self sufficient and capable. I need input. I need to be held and seen. To feel supported and filled up with everything good. Yes, I feel the anger. The bitterness. The fuck you all attitude. The fear of falling back into the darkness of depression and the wish of dying. You can't blame the world or people around. I do. I blame them all. I blame life. God. Society. Fuck you for leaving me on my own. To isolate me in so many ways. To not being responsive to my humble ask for help, support and love. I'm so tired of being good. I'm so fed up being positive and constructive. To find solutions and always moving forward. I have a strong spine and my heart used to be soft. I so yearn for staying soft but I can feel myself putting on armor, shield up. I can't stay soft and open in such environment. I can't rely on anyone. How did I end up here?
I know it's still dark. It's winter. I get stressed with new things at work. I yearn for a man. I'm loning for spring. It's the holiday seson. Every emotion is running high. My oldest has fucked up majorly and I'm dreading the aftermath. It's all of this stepping into thin air and never to know if it's make it or break it. It's the constant leap of faith that wears me down. I'm tired.
And yes. I'm angry. I have promised myself to feel everything. To allow myself to feel every inch of every ugly feeling and emotion. I know the liberation it is to admit everything. To stripp down and allowing what is. It's the holding back, the pretending, the resistance that robbs my energy. To stay real, especially in the ugly stuff, is where the healing is possible. To put my finger in the wound. To let it bleed. To feel the pain. To acknowledge the hurt. To yet again, see and hold myself. It's okay baby girl. I see you and I love you. It's okay to feel it all. You are safe, seen, held and loved. All of you is welcome.
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