It's been a strange week. My oldest was sick for a couple of days and past trauma and experiences was rushing back to both of us. Years with illness. The isolation. To see the world from inside a hospital. At 18 he is more capable to find words, to help the sacred little boy with no control over his life. Now he can find words and ask for help to sooth and calm the very real anxiety. It was so many healing moments.
I'm feeling my own journey in this. Some parts of me are so fed up and tired. Are we done already??! Fucking hel, I'm so done. And at the same time I feel so much love, respect and compassion for him and my youngest. They have complex life to navigate. But as usual, I firmly believe in accepting everything inside. Every feeling of being done and fed up. Allowing myself to truly feel my own tiredness, my grief and rebellion. Without shame. To see and feel myself fully. When I do meet myself fully, I can relax into it. I'm seen and heard. The intensity of the feelings changes and I can yet again open myself towards those who needs me.
In it all I do so long for a proper fuck. To immerse myself completely and let my mind get a real break from everything. And, that's been me for years. Using men and sex for escaping my own reality. I have no judgement. It just facts. I have deep compassion and also show the real life force of sex. It's transformative even when "used wrong ". So yes, something in me just yearn for an escape. A break. A pause. Give it to me now. Please and thank you.
And, yet again, I know. When he is entering my life, it's not for escape. It's to become more real. To shine light on every area I can't see on my own. Of course the sex will be great and filled with pleasure. But it isn't a hiding place or escape from reality. Not anymore. Now it's to peel back everything and growth. It's support and a practice to become even more present and aware in every day life.
All of the romantic games and fantasies are over. Some parts of me are grieving. Yet I have deep faith in something even more beautiful because reality consciously created together, takes us deeper and beyond what's even possible to dream about.
So yes, I'm trembling and feel humbled by everything. I so want and need a man and some parts of me is terrified. It's awe and awful at the same time. To enter a relationship is no joke. The space, time, effort and transformation. It's fucking scary. Do I really have the bandwidth and capacity? I know I'm longing for penetration and to be properly fucked. I need that. And yes, I also want wholeness. A whole human being. A man connected to his mind, heart and cock. Clear mind. Warm heart. Hard cock.I want us to fuck each other back to God. God is created there, if we want it.
So, I'm slowly making room and space. I'm yours. I chose to trust this deeply. Amen.
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